Life is GRAND!

I love life I am happy and in control of what I can control! just thought I let you all know!
wendy

The good that came out of my dad's death...

So I recieved an email from my ex husband this morning. He was asking how I was doing and what not and proceeded to tell me that I was in his thoughts lately. He kept telling me how my dads death had affected him a great deal and that he has started to go to AA. He now is doing comedy sober and also is drug free he told me for the last 11 days!
Not once in our marriage did anything scare him tomake him want to change. I am prouod of the accomplishment he has made to not end up the same way my dad or his BIOLOGICAL dad did.
Now the next prayer is that he makes a commitment to the LORD! He is a great person down deep and just pray that he finds Gods peace in his life! I know that when the day comes when his mom passes away that he will be a wreck and I hope and pray that he is emotionaly stable and sober to deal with it all.
Wendy

Yup

So I talked to my mom yesterday and for some reason I don't feel close to her anymore...I found myself fishing around for things to say and nothing came to mind. I told her about my garden(which is doing great!) and asked her about the L&I thing if she has gotten a hold of anyone yet. and after 13 mins of almost wasted time on our cell phones I told her I had to go. I knew I never really had a close relationship with her but sometimes like now I wish that I could talk to her but I just cant. I need prayer in this part of my life because I fell like I don't have any parent anymore. I feel abandon.

The Secret????

I have come across a movie called "The Secret". What is the secrect you may ask?? As far as I can gather it is the law of attraction. Not just people but things as well. You are to have a higher power...DUH and you are suppose to think about positive things and they will attract to you! So I was thinking that if I put my TRUST in my Higher Power(GOD) I will attract what I need in my life not my wants because my wants are not all that God wants me to have right now or maybe never. Who knows. I am really not sure about this movie I haven't watched it all but it is also a book. One of the contributors is Jack Canfield, the guy who wrote the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books.
I would like some feedback on this book if anyone knows.

Other stuff I saw the doctor dude and he is trying to get me approved to have an MRI done on my neck and shoulders so I am waiting. The hurry up and wait period of my life! It is amazing how one person can endure annoying pain for a long period of time! I was the slacker but I also didn't want to have to continue doctor care. I did switch doctors though because I felt the other doctor I had didn't address other things I was complaining about. I sometimes think that he was just working for workmans comp than for me as the patient. They don't like to keep claims open.
I will be getting my fishing blog going here soon I hope...
Take care miss all of you
wendy

New Monday rituals!

So I work with my sister and my boss is a new christian and she and another Wendy(awesome name) are starting a bible study in the mornings. She told me that its gonna be in the book of Romans! I am sooooo STOAKED!!!! I love Romans...Ok I love the whole Bible.
On tuesday I am going to see a Doctor reguarding my car accident back in September. I am having a hard time getting out of bed in the mornings because I am in sooooo much pain in my neck and Shoulder region. Of course this happens after my claim is closed. Just pray that I can get this all done and over with and to be able to put it behind me.
Love
Wendy

I dont know....

I miss him soooo much! Last night I was on my way home from fishing(the evening bite) and I just started to cry! I was thinking about my dad and how he was the one who barely caught the fish with him and my Uncle Chuck. I wanted to call and talk to him and tell him that my new fishing pole doesnt work....it doesn't catch fish! I have gone out 3 times since I got it and no fish! NONE!!! Or like the other day while walking tru the garden Chris and I planted and noticing the new growth on our crop and how I wanted to gloat to tell him I got tomatoes. I just seem to not want to believe he is not there anymore that he is now just mere ashes.

This and that!

So on Monday Chris and I went fishing with Sandy and Justin in the almighty Deschutes river! Oh it was sooooo much fun! Didn't catch anything but my sister! (will explain) But the day started at 4:30 for me. We all drive about 45 mins or so north of Crooked River Ranch to a campground called Trout Creek. The boys definetly had a silent mission...catch more than the other, where as Sandy and I just fished. We all kinda split up and I hung out with my little sis. I felt sooo happy that I was actually showing my little sister how to do something and guiding her as much as I could. Growing up this would have never happenend! I am soo blessed to have Sandy for my sister! God always seems to amaze me daily!
But anyways, Sandy and I found "the spot" not "THE spot" but our spot! The river was flowing and not so very deep and yet some how after your legs become numb you can still walk! We found a couple of rocks, Sandy's was a couple inches submerged in the river where mine was sticking out of the water. We both just said no worries about getting wet and fished! It would have been a classic picture of the two of us sittin in the water fishin!
After a while and 3 snags on each other we decided to go find the boys. I clipped our lines and tied some knots and got off my rock, and for some reason this sort of thing ALWAYS happens when you are sooooooo close to the shoreline; I fell in! I knew I was done for the day! And it felt really good because the sun was so HOT!!!!!
The next day at work I saw Sandy and she had racoon eyes and a red face! I did offer some sun screen but she declined! Maybe it was the big sister thing? I will never know~
Pictures soon to follow
Wendy

10 Years

So yesterday would or still kinda is my 10 year wedding anniversary. I honestly thought Iwould have been emotionally crazey with all the events in the last 20 days(since my bday). But I have to say that day doesn't mean anything to me any more! Don't get me wrong there were great days and I will always remember them but trying to forget the bad ones is what I am trying to do. Only time!!!!
I was asked last night if I had any regrets in my life. I said "no". I am a FIRM believer that we are given situations for a reason and sometimes things have to be hard to get to the point we need to be. At this point I am VERY HAPPY!!! Not depressed like I was a year ago. I am doing things that I LOVE to do.
Its funny 10 years ago on July 11th I couldn't wait to be Mrs. Jason Stewart, now I can't wait till my name changes back to Ms. Wendy Marie Culbertson.
I feel privaledged that my dad was able to walk me down the aisle and give me away.
But I am moving on to bigger and better things! I will be soon having another blog. It's gonna be fishing diaries!!! With pictures!(im still keeping this one)
Love you all
Wendy

Its kinda weird

I thought that life stood still when I lost my grampa Bob 6 years ago, but now with only a week and a couple days of not having my dad call me to tell me a stupid joke or to rant about something or just to talk has been REALLY WEIRD!!!! Or vice versa me wanting to call him and tell him things like the other day Chris and I went fishing and I used the fishing pole I bought with my Bday money from my parents and that I didn't catch anything...Oh but Chris caught 5 trout, and that as I was putting some worms in a cool place I was actually laying them down on a baby rattle snake!!!! Yeah just a little creepy! I feel a void. I know I have to move on and keep going like every other thing I have had to endure.
My mom called me and told me that she went and picked up his remains the other day! My dad wanted to be cremated and his ashed spread on lake Kapowsin! We always went there to go fishing. Dad always went to a certain spot and we would have fried chicken or ham and cheese sandwiches and WD40! (it helped attract the fish) I haven't been there for about 20 years! WOW I am getting older! Yikes!!!! :)
I just pray that my mom doesn't sink into a depression like my dad. She was hiding bottles of vodka when Sandy and I were home and I was furious the whole time I was home. I understand that she was grieving but she also knew that Sandy and I HATE it when her and dad were drinking non stop like they do! I just don't want to have to go thru all this stuff sooner than later! I know that my mom has a chance! I want to build a relationship with her but I feel she keeps pushing me away more and more.
See ya
wendy

Reflecting

I am going to miss you Pappa! I love you and will always love you!!!! You are my hero and bestfriend! Love you! Pooh

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!!!!

To day is my little boy...Gizzmo's 1st BIRTHDAY!!!!

I miss you little boy and Milo and Daddy!!!!

Some times....

Sometimes I just want to SCREAM out! I said goodbye to my dad today. He actually looked good, he had some color and he also kinda had a goofy smirk on his face! Thats my dad! Today Sandy and I put our foot down and refused to buy my mom any booze! On our way out the door my mom asked if we could pick up a 6pak...and I said what of???...Coca cola??? then she said no bud select(her fave beer) Then I said oh you mean O'doules! Then Sandy and I walked out the door! When we came back we were empty handed and I explained that we WILL NOT buy alcohal and that we are not going to enable her to kill her self with booze like dad did! I can't and won't!

Last nite Sandy and I found not only moms wacky juice stash but also my dad's reserves as well. 2 fifths of GIN, 2 fifth of bottom shelf vodka, 1 fifth of PATRONE Tequilla! And I also had found perscriptions that are some how missing! My sister and I are just LIVID! Don't get me wrong, my dad was a great man he just didn't grow up in some area's in his life! We both at times feel like why are we going the extra mile to make his life look great?? There were GREAT times in our lives but a lot of the memories had some kind of alcohal or drinking! I tried a sip of wine at my aunt and uncles tonite and I couldn't handle the taste. I love to sip on a glass of wine with a meal once in a blue moon but we both just felt ill! I don't think I will ever put a sip in my mouth again!!!! Like I said I just want to SCREAM REALLLLLLLLLLY LOUD!!!!! and at my mom! We have been home for one hour and she is already drunk. I have to let her grieve I know, but it's hard when this will just be repeated in the future! And when that time comes who knows what will happen?? I want to be in my home! I want my boys...Milo and Gizzmo! I want to be near Chris for comfort! I miss my Church in Oregon(not that I don't miss MY CHURCH in WA!!!) I am blessed all around and I just want to be back in my happy place! I have learned I don't like to get out of my daily routines very often. I have learned that not having all that I want right now is not a need but a WANT and that I can wait!!! I learned that you can't discuss funeral decisions with a drunk person. I also learned that you love them even more and hurt for them more because they can't use self control in their lives. The excesiveness of the abuse bantering back and forth. I LOVE being happy!
wendy