Just stuff!

So I have officially been here in Washington for 2 weeks and want to go back home SOOOOOOO BAD!!! I feel that me being here has done nothing for the care of my dad but to enable him to continue to kill himself in front of me.
This past weekend(june 1) I was sitting with my family for dinner(mom dad sis bro and gram)out of the six of us only 2 were drunk and ill let you guess....YUP my mom and Gramma...ok just kidding but seriously my parents! Just toasted up on Vodka and wine and maybe some beer! But as we wer sitting down to eat, my mom during her drunken ramblings and audacious comments she proceeds to inform me that I was the # 1 mistake...then retracted and said I was actually the #2 mistake. Now a lot of emotion went thru my body and words I so don't even dare say or think came boiling up my tongue. I just sat there in pure awe, thinking that my thoughts of her resenting me were not a lie.
So that was the decision point of my stay her in Washington. Then I had met with my pastor with my sister and even helped me feel better about my decision. I am SOOO HAPPY in Oregon! I have had some hang ups since being there but over all I was and am able to overcome anything by putting my trust in Christ that he is still there for me even if I don't go to Valley. Even if to my mom I was a mistake I know that to God I WAS ALWAYS PLANNED! I understand that my parents are probably never gonna change their ways but I do trust that God has a hand in all that happens in my life and both of theirs! Only He knows their true hearts! I know that I need to forgive my mom but it truely hurts especially when she hasn't apologized for any of the torment or anguish she put me thru!
I want God to use me in what ever way He has planned for me in the near future about my parents.
So then this brings me to my next venting point...My dad made an appointment to see his doctor for today June 5. Well yesterday he went to the store and said that "oh by the way the doctors office called to say that they had to reschedual his drs. appt!" So here I am Sherlock Holmes, doing some investigating and called the doctor to see if Dr was in the office(dad said the dr was out of town and that they forgot to mark it in his calender) and of course she said that the doc was in and that my dad did call yesterday to cancel but that the appointment was still open!
What a let down and horrible feeling of dissappointment! I now even more want to be back in Oregon! Sandy and I are just sick with not knowing what to do but just pray and leave!
I believe it is 1Peter 5:7 where it says "cast all your care upon Him because He cares for us"
Thats my fervant prayer and mindset that I just have to give it all up to him...ALL of it!
Wendy

Memorial's day...

So today is Memorial day! And I am not a person who likes or wants to hear about any conflicts going on now or in the past. Not even if it was domestic or forgein(did I spell that right) I don't even understand why we are where we are with all our troops. But given the fact I have Military surrounding me I dedicate this Blog to all those that have been a part of out fight for freedom and everyone elses freedom! The picture is taken the memorial day after my grampa Bob passed away and I took gramma to the cemetary where he was buried! This is dedicated to all my friends and family that were in a war in one point of their lives! This is dedicated to those that yet have not made it to the war zone but are still state side protecting us or just training to protect! I hae the utmost respect, love and admiration for you all! I light a candle for all of you that have sacraficed soooooo much!

Its kinda how Christ Sacraficed for all of us, how He was willing to die for us, to make us not slaves to this cruel world. I am soooo thankful that I have been a chosen one and that I will be able to hang out with my loved ones that have gone on before me!

Because HE Lives!

Wendy

Almost there!

So I finally have something to smile about in a way! I met up with Jason to go over the divorce papers and have him sign them as well! SOOOOO they have been signed and sent in which will be tuesday and in 90 days I will officially be a Culbertson again!
I am not happy that I am having to go through a divorce, but given the circumstances of EVERYTHING I felt that this was the only opption to become happier. I am saddend that I was betrayed and that I could never trust my husband but I am glad I found out then instead of another 10 years after!
We have decided to remain as friends but I am choosing to not be a part in his families lives. I just don't want to have to get caught up in their drama. I have no more reasons to take care of his family and get stressed out and put down and what ever pain and torture they piled on me!
10 years ago I never thought that I would be going thru all this...I thought life was suppose to be better once you are married and that you were richer financially when both spouses work. But my fairytale ended 3 years into our marriage!
I do want to express the gratitude I have for all those in the last year who have helped me financially, spiritually, and prayerfully! I am sooo blessed with you all in my life! I am a stronger woman because of the experience I have gone thru in the last 10 years! And being away and being the sole provider for my self and Gizzmo has made me feel confident in myself. I don't regret my past. I just wished it would have worked out better and that my eyes were open instead of being closed!
Anyways I am SOOOOO HAPPY!
Wendy

Randomizing my brain....

I have a lot of thoughts going on in this almost 30 year old brain. I am trusting the Lord for the extra strength that I need! I have a lot of loose ends that I left in Washington that I need to mend and make right. Im trying hard to focus on the care of my dad, physically and spiritually! As I said earlier that my dad is very bitter and that he doesn't care of what happens to him! He tells me and Sandy that he doesn't deserve us as his children. How does a child respond to such a truth?? I hate that he has sooo much life and now it has been wasting away this past year so rapidly!

My Dad has always been the tough guy! He would try to fix what ever if it needed to be fixed. he taught me how to fish and to this day I LOVE to fish! I love that I share common intrests with him. He has lately gotten into putting model cars together and he is working on mine, a 1969 Dodge Charger (Dukes of Hazzard).

I have been here a whole week and I am miserable! I miss my new life I miss my sister I miss Chris and I REALLY miss my puppy(I will have him in a week) I feel like I am being selfish for feeling this way but I keep saying this but I felt soooo INDEPENDANT on my self being away from here that I LOVED the feeling of having no one but me and my puppy to fend for. Is that wrong??? I would do anything for my dad and every body knows that too.

But then there are times in the past week where I wonder if I need to be here! One day my dad is up and about and then one day he can't hardly walk! I feel that he just wants me here to just be here! And that frustrates me. I don't like the feeling of being used! I am glad to be here to see my loved ones but it feels like I am just on a short vacation and that I will be going back to Oregon soon! I am soooo torn!

I just barely get along with my mom and never get along when she is drunk! I just walk away and go to my room or now to the computer! OK so I have been writing this for a few days I should post it!

Love you all

wendy

Central Oregon Ink...

I got a new tattoo yesterday! I love it! Since my dad has not been doing to well I thought I would do something to keep his memory and the rest of my family's memories. So eventually I am going to get all my family's favorite flowers in a vine accross my back! And for the kids in my life....and there is a alot, they are gonna be butterflies of their birth month birthstone.

So I will be home June 1st or at least thats the plan! I need prayer! My dad is super bitter and not doing to well. My mom says he has been ranting on her and she is stressed and I am not going to be able to handle that if he does that to me. But I know he doesn't have a mean bone towards me. I LOVE my Pappa A LOT and this pains me to see him this way! I have never seen him sooo helpless. I am gonna miss my home here in Oregon and the camping and fishing trips that have been planned but life with out my dad will be hard too!
Till next time
Wendy