MY PAPPA!!!!!

I don't know where to start or what to say or how to think right now~


At 12:43 am I got a phone call from my sister telling me that dad had died! NO I kept saying and to quit joking with me and oh your kidding! But in her voice I heard tears, tears I heard when my grampa died! I lost it!! I truely did! I was thankful that I had Chris right there to calm me down! But I have never cried so hard in my life. I don't think I actually hung up the phone with Sandy! Anyways after loosing it I thought that I must be in a DEEP DEEP DEEP R.E.M. stage of my beauty slumber! Not the case! Then it was reality!

What I am not sure of and am anxious to know is if he truely asked for forgiveness and if I will see my Pappa again in Heaven! That to me is the true reality of it all or the cold bowl of chille of life. So my hope is just that he cried out with his last breath! Yeah I am soooo bummed Im hurt and REALLY mad! I wish that I could just wake up! Daddy's are suppose to protect their little girls and teach them how to clean fish or just learn how to tie a hook and worm. He is suppose to hold you in his arms when you cry and are in pain. He is suppose to cheer you on at little league games and get all misty-eyed when you sing a song in front of him for the first time and how anytime I went out with my dad and mom to do karaoke I always had to sing the "Rose" for a nickle love song! Or he is suppose to cry when he gives his baby away or who would do anything for his daughter even wear a suit against his will for her special day. I have been lucky to have my daddy there for all my accomplishments and failures. I am just soo sadden that he only had 50 whole years and the best is yet to come! My dad never critisized any of my choices. He always supported my choices reguardless if they were good or bad...but I never made any bad choices! (Yes I feel pretty perfect) :)


I feel right now disconnected! Im in the computer room on the computer and my sister and mom are in the livingroom. I don't know what to do! I really never thought I would have to go thru this pain! I also when I was up here had a serious talk about life and death and to this day I knew he truely loved me, Sandy and mom. And we just talked as if nothing was wrong. I shared secrets with him that only a few people know. I told him that I was trying to stay married as long or longer then him and mom! And we just talked. He was MY BEST FRIEND!!!


And see what I don't get is that we sometimes overly abundantly love our people and yet sometimes I wonder if we as christians actually love our creator, our DADDY, our main person that over zealous love! And honestly the last few weeks thats where my focus wasn't. I still felt in the bottom of my heart I still needed to be here in Washington. And now I am here today and crying out for my own forgiveness for not showing the love I should have for my GOD~~


I don't regret the way my life has been! I am much happier in Oregon and am blessed to have found an AWESOME CHRISTIAN man who has helped me with my walk and who loves me, respects me, who treats me like a princess. I have known Chris for 9 months, becoming friends! Oh yeah and fishin buddies! ( I out fished him the first time we went fishin)


He has plans for the future and he wants me to be a part of it!


I wished that Chris would have met my dad but not all wishes come true~


Tomorrow is gonna be weird for me, I get to be at the most happiest place on earth...CHURCH!!!! But having to go over funneral plans for my dad, it just don't feel right...NUMB


I don't know what else to say or do so I think maybe I should go to bed so I can get up for church!


Wendy