10 Years

So yesterday would or still kinda is my 10 year wedding anniversary. I honestly thought Iwould have been emotionally crazey with all the events in the last 20 days(since my bday). But I have to say that day doesn't mean anything to me any more! Don't get me wrong there were great days and I will always remember them but trying to forget the bad ones is what I am trying to do. Only time!!!!
I was asked last night if I had any regrets in my life. I said "no". I am a FIRM believer that we are given situations for a reason and sometimes things have to be hard to get to the point we need to be. At this point I am VERY HAPPY!!! Not depressed like I was a year ago. I am doing things that I LOVE to do.
Its funny 10 years ago on July 11th I couldn't wait to be Mrs. Jason Stewart, now I can't wait till my name changes back to Ms. Wendy Marie Culbertson.
I feel privaledged that my dad was able to walk me down the aisle and give me away.
But I am moving on to bigger and better things! I will be soon having another blog. It's gonna be fishing diaries!!! With pictures!(im still keeping this one)
Love you all
Wendy

Its kinda weird

I thought that life stood still when I lost my grampa Bob 6 years ago, but now with only a week and a couple days of not having my dad call me to tell me a stupid joke or to rant about something or just to talk has been REALLY WEIRD!!!! Or vice versa me wanting to call him and tell him things like the other day Chris and I went fishing and I used the fishing pole I bought with my Bday money from my parents and that I didn't catch anything...Oh but Chris caught 5 trout, and that as I was putting some worms in a cool place I was actually laying them down on a baby rattle snake!!!! Yeah just a little creepy! I feel a void. I know I have to move on and keep going like every other thing I have had to endure.
My mom called me and told me that she went and picked up his remains the other day! My dad wanted to be cremated and his ashed spread on lake Kapowsin! We always went there to go fishing. Dad always went to a certain spot and we would have fried chicken or ham and cheese sandwiches and WD40! (it helped attract the fish) I haven't been there for about 20 years! WOW I am getting older! Yikes!!!! :)
I just pray that my mom doesn't sink into a depression like my dad. She was hiding bottles of vodka when Sandy and I were home and I was furious the whole time I was home. I understand that she was grieving but she also knew that Sandy and I HATE it when her and dad were drinking non stop like they do! I just don't want to have to go thru all this stuff sooner than later! I know that my mom has a chance! I want to build a relationship with her but I feel she keeps pushing me away more and more.
See ya
wendy

Reflecting

I am going to miss you Pappa! I love you and will always love you!!!! You are my hero and bestfriend! Love you! Pooh

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!!!!

To day is my little boy...Gizzmo's 1st BIRTHDAY!!!!

I miss you little boy and Milo and Daddy!!!!

Some times....

Sometimes I just want to SCREAM out! I said goodbye to my dad today. He actually looked good, he had some color and he also kinda had a goofy smirk on his face! Thats my dad! Today Sandy and I put our foot down and refused to buy my mom any booze! On our way out the door my mom asked if we could pick up a 6pak...and I said what of???...Coca cola??? then she said no bud select(her fave beer) Then I said oh you mean O'doules! Then Sandy and I walked out the door! When we came back we were empty handed and I explained that we WILL NOT buy alcohal and that we are not going to enable her to kill her self with booze like dad did! I can't and won't!

Last nite Sandy and I found not only moms wacky juice stash but also my dad's reserves as well. 2 fifths of GIN, 2 fifth of bottom shelf vodka, 1 fifth of PATRONE Tequilla! And I also had found perscriptions that are some how missing! My sister and I are just LIVID! Don't get me wrong, my dad was a great man he just didn't grow up in some area's in his life! We both at times feel like why are we going the extra mile to make his life look great?? There were GREAT times in our lives but a lot of the memories had some kind of alcohal or drinking! I tried a sip of wine at my aunt and uncles tonite and I couldn't handle the taste. I love to sip on a glass of wine with a meal once in a blue moon but we both just felt ill! I don't think I will ever put a sip in my mouth again!!!! Like I said I just want to SCREAM REALLLLLLLLLLY LOUD!!!!! and at my mom! We have been home for one hour and she is already drunk. I have to let her grieve I know, but it's hard when this will just be repeated in the future! And when that time comes who knows what will happen?? I want to be in my home! I want my boys...Milo and Gizzmo! I want to be near Chris for comfort! I miss my Church in Oregon(not that I don't miss MY CHURCH in WA!!!) I am blessed all around and I just want to be back in my happy place! I have learned I don't like to get out of my daily routines very often. I have learned that not having all that I want right now is not a need but a WANT and that I can wait!!! I learned that you can't discuss funeral decisions with a drunk person. I also learned that you love them even more and hurt for them more because they can't use self control in their lives. The excesiveness of the abuse bantering back and forth. I LOVE being happy!
wendy

Better late than never...

Here are some pictures from my birthday outing with Chris!! It is soooo amazing how powerful God is. How in one moment He breathes life into a new growing baby and also created the mountains and waterfalls. Such beauty He brings into our lives! And living in Central Oregon shows A LOT of proof of His wondrous beauty!

wendy

I said Yes!

More brain ramblings

Where to start what to say how to feel.........it feels like time has stood still and I am stuck in this moment that I can't get out of! When life hands you a fastball and you don't know when to swing there is that thought could that have been the homerun or just another strike? Today at Church I was reminded by the outpouring of love and concern that when we are grieving that God is there to take care of us and that He is there ALL the time and He places the right people in our lives for comfort. He also instructs us to just lean on Him at ALL times.

My devotions for the day was Psalms 31:
In you O Lord I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness. Turn your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me. Since YOU are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me!!! (verse 5) Into your hands I commit my spirit...verse 7...I will be glad and rejoice in your love for you saw (and still see) my affliction and know the anguish of my soul.(verse 14) But I trust in you , O Lord "YOU ARE MY GOD!!" My TIMES are in your hands!

And the last verse....
Verse 24: Be strong and take heart all of us who have hope in the Lord!!!

Some times I wonder if one person could be strong when it feels like the world is on a downward spiral. Thus far I sometimes think I am doing ok but then I feel at times that I am all fallen part. I feel the seams ripping apart. I am so blessed to be surrounded by my Church family who has always been around for me and my family. Ill write more later
wendy