MY PAPPA!!!!!

I don't know where to start or what to say or how to think right now~


At 12:43 am I got a phone call from my sister telling me that dad had died! NO I kept saying and to quit joking with me and oh your kidding! But in her voice I heard tears, tears I heard when my grampa died! I lost it!! I truely did! I was thankful that I had Chris right there to calm me down! But I have never cried so hard in my life. I don't think I actually hung up the phone with Sandy! Anyways after loosing it I thought that I must be in a DEEP DEEP DEEP R.E.M. stage of my beauty slumber! Not the case! Then it was reality!

What I am not sure of and am anxious to know is if he truely asked for forgiveness and if I will see my Pappa again in Heaven! That to me is the true reality of it all or the cold bowl of chille of life. So my hope is just that he cried out with his last breath! Yeah I am soooo bummed Im hurt and REALLY mad! I wish that I could just wake up! Daddy's are suppose to protect their little girls and teach them how to clean fish or just learn how to tie a hook and worm. He is suppose to hold you in his arms when you cry and are in pain. He is suppose to cheer you on at little league games and get all misty-eyed when you sing a song in front of him for the first time and how anytime I went out with my dad and mom to do karaoke I always had to sing the "Rose" for a nickle love song! Or he is suppose to cry when he gives his baby away or who would do anything for his daughter even wear a suit against his will for her special day. I have been lucky to have my daddy there for all my accomplishments and failures. I am just soo sadden that he only had 50 whole years and the best is yet to come! My dad never critisized any of my choices. He always supported my choices reguardless if they were good or bad...but I never made any bad choices! (Yes I feel pretty perfect) :)


I feel right now disconnected! Im in the computer room on the computer and my sister and mom are in the livingroom. I don't know what to do! I really never thought I would have to go thru this pain! I also when I was up here had a serious talk about life and death and to this day I knew he truely loved me, Sandy and mom. And we just talked as if nothing was wrong. I shared secrets with him that only a few people know. I told him that I was trying to stay married as long or longer then him and mom! And we just talked. He was MY BEST FRIEND!!!


And see what I don't get is that we sometimes overly abundantly love our people and yet sometimes I wonder if we as christians actually love our creator, our DADDY, our main person that over zealous love! And honestly the last few weeks thats where my focus wasn't. I still felt in the bottom of my heart I still needed to be here in Washington. And now I am here today and crying out for my own forgiveness for not showing the love I should have for my GOD~~


I don't regret the way my life has been! I am much happier in Oregon and am blessed to have found an AWESOME CHRISTIAN man who has helped me with my walk and who loves me, respects me, who treats me like a princess. I have known Chris for 9 months, becoming friends! Oh yeah and fishin buddies! ( I out fished him the first time we went fishin)


He has plans for the future and he wants me to be a part of it!


I wished that Chris would have met my dad but not all wishes come true~


Tomorrow is gonna be weird for me, I get to be at the most happiest place on earth...CHURCH!!!! But having to go over funneral plans for my dad, it just don't feel right...NUMB


I don't know what else to say or do so I think maybe I should go to bed so I can get up for church!


Wendy

Happy Fathers day!

What a day to focus on our Heavenly Father! Of course our Earthly fathers deserve recognition, but if God never exsisted then we wouldn't have our Daddies, Uncles, Grampas, Pastors and every other inflentual man in our lives!
I am blessed to have wonderful men in my life who love me! And I love you all!
Wendy

Back in Oregon!

After a 3 week long stay in Washington I am back in Oregon! After realizing that my dad DOES NOT want to fight for his life and the fact that my mom is who she is and talking to my pastor I am back where I am happy! Today is my dad's 50th birthday and that means 9 more days and I turn 30 and I am actually looking forward to start a new decade! A decade of happiness and me!
At this time in my life my focus is on healing my broken heart and spirit and grow in my Heavenly Father who I know does not torment me with drinking or health issues and who loves me for me and knows I was NOT a mistake!
My mom did apologize for the remark about me being the numbert 2 mistake but I still have harbored feelings from the past. How can some one apologize for something they were unaware of in the first place? Forgiving somebody who has always continued to hurt you is not an easy thing and truthfully I don't think I have forgiven my mom in my heart. I forgave her from the remark but not the rest of my life. I am bound and determined to make it thru life happy. I know life isn't always peachy but thats what the bumps in the raod are for just to make us keep focus that we are not perfect and that obsticals are for us to overcome!

On the lighter side of things...I went camping for a couple days and had a relaxing time with Gizzmo and Chris I caught my first bass...really little! And did some hiking by the Metolius River! We found some beautiful flowers and took pics of them! (will post later) This was Gizzmo's first camping adventure and I could not believe how tuckered out he was when we got home! What fun!
Love
Wendy

Pictures of Washington

The Rain...

I Love the rain! I really do! (yeah a true washingtonian) I love how at times we need it to wash all the pollen down the drains or add a little more drink to our plants. I also LOVE the way God uses His love to rain on us in the midst of trials and storms! This brings me back to my blog about praising Him in the storm and I am soo blessed to have those that Love me and pray for me! And those that trust God with all they have! What Godly exmaples! I love that when I feel like giving up He is there to pick me up and tell me to don't give up or how I know that if I need to cry He ALWAYS sends some one for me to use their shoulder to cry on. As I make this new chapter of my life better, I will never look back on my life as regretful just as some stuff I have overcame! It is a great feeling when you know that the huge hurdles we face are not that huge to God and thats why we can always fall back on His undying love and comfort!
I have become more dependant on God in the last year. I also have become more accountable to myself as well!
I will write more often now I promise and add pictures too, I love all of you! You are all my Brothers and Sisters in Christ and am THANKFUL for you all!
Wendy

Just stuff!

So I have officially been here in Washington for 2 weeks and want to go back home SOOOOOOO BAD!!! I feel that me being here has done nothing for the care of my dad but to enable him to continue to kill himself in front of me.
This past weekend(june 1) I was sitting with my family for dinner(mom dad sis bro and gram)out of the six of us only 2 were drunk and ill let you guess....YUP my mom and Gramma...ok just kidding but seriously my parents! Just toasted up on Vodka and wine and maybe some beer! But as we wer sitting down to eat, my mom during her drunken ramblings and audacious comments she proceeds to inform me that I was the # 1 mistake...then retracted and said I was actually the #2 mistake. Now a lot of emotion went thru my body and words I so don't even dare say or think came boiling up my tongue. I just sat there in pure awe, thinking that my thoughts of her resenting me were not a lie.
So that was the decision point of my stay her in Washington. Then I had met with my pastor with my sister and even helped me feel better about my decision. I am SOOO HAPPY in Oregon! I have had some hang ups since being there but over all I was and am able to overcome anything by putting my trust in Christ that he is still there for me even if I don't go to Valley. Even if to my mom I was a mistake I know that to God I WAS ALWAYS PLANNED! I understand that my parents are probably never gonna change their ways but I do trust that God has a hand in all that happens in my life and both of theirs! Only He knows their true hearts! I know that I need to forgive my mom but it truely hurts especially when she hasn't apologized for any of the torment or anguish she put me thru!
I want God to use me in what ever way He has planned for me in the near future about my parents.
So then this brings me to my next venting point...My dad made an appointment to see his doctor for today June 5. Well yesterday he went to the store and said that "oh by the way the doctors office called to say that they had to reschedual his drs. appt!" So here I am Sherlock Holmes, doing some investigating and called the doctor to see if Dr was in the office(dad said the dr was out of town and that they forgot to mark it in his calender) and of course she said that the doc was in and that my dad did call yesterday to cancel but that the appointment was still open!
What a let down and horrible feeling of dissappointment! I now even more want to be back in Oregon! Sandy and I are just sick with not knowing what to do but just pray and leave!
I believe it is 1Peter 5:7 where it says "cast all your care upon Him because He cares for us"
Thats my fervant prayer and mindset that I just have to give it all up to him...ALL of it!
Wendy

Memorial's day...

So today is Memorial day! And I am not a person who likes or wants to hear about any conflicts going on now or in the past. Not even if it was domestic or forgein(did I spell that right) I don't even understand why we are where we are with all our troops. But given the fact I have Military surrounding me I dedicate this Blog to all those that have been a part of out fight for freedom and everyone elses freedom! The picture is taken the memorial day after my grampa Bob passed away and I took gramma to the cemetary where he was buried! This is dedicated to all my friends and family that were in a war in one point of their lives! This is dedicated to those that yet have not made it to the war zone but are still state side protecting us or just training to protect! I hae the utmost respect, love and admiration for you all! I light a candle for all of you that have sacraficed soooooo much!

Its kinda how Christ Sacraficed for all of us, how He was willing to die for us, to make us not slaves to this cruel world. I am soooo thankful that I have been a chosen one and that I will be able to hang out with my loved ones that have gone on before me!

Because HE Lives!

Wendy